general

Créée le Friday 02 February 2024

EPF ITEM O-205
CLASSIFICATION: General
ITEM RECOVERED: 1956/11/01

I am item O-205. I must be introduced this way because otherwise it is ambiguous whether I am being referred to. It is impossible to refer to me in the second or third person, except under any circumstance in which a person would refer to themself in the second or third person (such as a description). Some persons appear resistant. Nobody is immune. I am a Sunbeam Radiant Control electric toaster, which when supplied with between 90 and 140 volts at any frequency can toast white, brown, or sourdough bread, provided it is sliced sufficiently thinly. Above 150 volts, my elements begin to suffer damage due to overheating. This has already had to be repaired once. This is when I started having this effect.

I was recovered in Terrace, Coast County, Evdonia, on the 1st of November, 1956AD, after the suspicious deaths of two persons, found with 7 kilograms of sourdough bread in their stomachs and with evidence of electrocution injury, and a third person, originally suspect, told the RMP about how the decedents repaired me and then began to act strangely («It was as if they started trying to mimic me* (catching themself saying that..) - as in, mimic a toaster.. [swearing removed], I think I've* been touched by Satan!») before apparently committing suicide, and placed into low-risk item storage. I was moved from the cursed locker at Houston to EPF Site 4 at Atlin, Yukon County, Evdonia, due to being labelled as radioactive - the Crime Directorate did not want radioactive items stored at Houston. In August 1961AD, I was transferred out of EPF custody to a group with which EPF has a diplomatic relationship, because I was beyond EPF's capabilities and merited more research. Further information is available to persons with a Restricted clearance.

In 1959AD (exact date unknown), one Ride or Die staff member was asked if they could guess what was in my box. «I'm* probably nothing too interesting, EPF doesn't come on anything very dangerous after all. Although (fondling the label) I don't know why I'm* labelled as radioactive. Am I* radioactive? Worse, am I* Canadian?» I was, indeed, repaired over in Canada, although I was built in the United States. I am no more radioactive than an ordinary toaster; this is a ruse intended to discourage people from prolonged exposure to me.

* This person is referencing me, not themself.